Tuesday, April 4, 2017

on absence, love and relationships - Me, My Guru


Me, My Guru



Contd....

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Missing was an integral part of any relationship. We missed them at various occasions and for various reasons. Now looking at beautiful ‘Shalimar Garden’ standing where Amir Khusrau’s eternal words ring of Kashmir “If there is paradise, its here, its here, its here”, I missed my family and few of my friends too. I knew how these people were Nature lovers and how they would have loved to be here. Yes, we missed the people who were part of our lives more so when we experienced something beautiful, surreal or ethereal. We also missed them when we are successful. For we know they would love to see us being successful and most of them in a way had been instrumental and must have prayed for our success. Yes, success looks bleak without these people in our lives and with us at such moments. How can we not ‘miss’ people? Anyone quoting otherwise, well I would say they need to get themselves checked for sure! Why would people say things that they don’t even realize are senseless? I think they say to hurt. No, on second thoughts may be all that they utter shows us the crap that is inside them and that comes out as words. Yes, our words express our state of mind, our intentions and also our character. It explained all the shit that we had accumulated within us God knows since how many aeons? If only we listened to what we say! If only we listened to ourselves! 

But “in order to learn to speak we need to learn to listen first. If only we learn to speak by listening!” I held her hand written sheet in my hand. I had been going through these lines since couple of days. And how much I had recollected the nonsense uttered by others and me in her presence these couple of days? No doubt she kept insisting on ‘heal yourself’ again and again. Our words that came from our mouth reflected who we were and what we were thinking. It was like bad breadth telling us our habit and physical health. And we were and are so oblivious to all these – all these years.

“Learn to listen” – it was not learning to listen to others now that mattered. I had to listen to myself and my intentions. Being honest with myself mirrored me an image which was difficult to accept and even more difficult to live with.  Now I realized the need to heal myself more! Here, I had started to heal more regularly. Nothing else seemed to matter. All that seemed worth the name was ‘self healing’. Now the benefits that came with healing also seemed to mean less. I have to transform the ‘me’ and only that seemed paramount now. These tall deodar trees which made me look so ant like also helped me to make me realize my character to be so small. I had to outgrow my envy, hatred and manipulative nature if I ever wanted to feel tall. By putting someone to size, my height didn’t grow. It only made me more cheap and little. I had to change the way I wanted to rise in life. I had to grow! I had to evolve. There was no short cut to this.

I was sitting on the pavement having my evening tea or kahwa as they called it – the Kashmiri chai. I looked at all those trees on the mountain slopes. They were huge and tall. They seemed to kiss the skies. But they weren’t competing with the mountains. They grew for they knew not anything else to do. They just grew. I had my second cup of chai.

contd.....

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