Work on essence

...contd.....

When she concluded everyone nodded their heads. I suspected that they did it more out of courtesy and respect than acceptance of what she said. I could see vaguely what she was driving at. But, it didn’t sink in. I’ll is on it for sometime but am not sure if I’ll accept this line of her thought completely. Honestly I felt, she with her oratory skills was justifying her actions. I didn’t know if it really was true!

I was in no mood to discuss it with others – atleast not now! Like it has happened many times before, I held on to my beliefs and rules inspite of ‘her’ explanation against them. I was ‘too much’ into this ‘belief system’ and it wasn’t easy to just brush aside that with one talk and take to this new line of thought! No. It was not to be so.

Would I ever break away from this belief-system? I don’t know and can’t say for sure now. As far as I am concerned, it looks almost an impossible possibility!

I had held on so strongly to this belief system that it had today shaken my ‘respect and regards’ for ‘her’. I didn’t see it as me trading ‘her’ for my ‘belief system’. But instead, I think I was shattered that ‘she’ didn’t fit into my ‘mould of Guru’. To an extent, I felt let down by her. And I think the pain of ‘her’ falling down the ‘pedestal’ I had put her on. She didn’t fall alone. Along with her fell my ‘expectations’ of her. Something of me also felt like a failure. To whom I lost, I knew not. But this feeling was so strong that it sort of made me feel the knots in my stomach.

With her, came down a part of my world too! Oh how I hated her for letting me down.

I hadn’t realized how much she had become a part of me. I sensed it only when that was being torn apart from me.

I left ‘her’ place with heavy and broken heart. Would I ever be able to mend it again, I wondered!

But now all I sought was some solace and solitude!

 

concluded..... 



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