....contd...
Me, My Guru
I waited for two days before going to meet her. This time I
wanted to be sure and wanted to show to her that I completely understood the
statement that she made “You are what you read”.
When a situation happened that gave me a perspective on
this statement, I rushed to her place to put it across to her.
I was dead excited this time too but I tried not to show it
on my face…I took few extra breaths before I opened her gate. As luck would
have it, she was seeing off couple of her students. That means I didn’t get extra time to slow my heart beat before
meeting her. But, I used those few
seconds that I had to reduce my excitement.
I wanted her students to stay few more minutes that day. I could use those extra minutes for myself. I smiled.
On other days, I would have been angry that others were already with
her. I never felt I should share her
with others. This always angered
me. But today, it was different. I didn’t mind. Why? Because I wanted to
relax a bit before facing her and these students were actually indirectly
helping me do it. So I was actually
thanking them where I would have usually cursed them. That set me thinking. I
was same and so was she and so were her other students. But, my requirement has made all the
difference in my feelings for them. I
had been “angry” when other students came to meet her and today I am “happy”
that they are there to meet her and I wanted them to stay a bit “longer too”. Nothing had changed except my need to get
that extra time to calm my senses. And
that had made all the difference. It
means my feelings were reflection of my need.
It means my feelings depended upon my motive – which were subject to
change depending upon my requirement at that point of time. “Oh, my God!” and I
had been thinking all these days that I was angry with her other students
because I “loved” her and hence didn’t wish to share her with others. It was not so. “I am what I read”. It
means, “My feelings only reflect my state of mind”, it means “my anger reflects
my expectations, it doesn’t talk about my situation at all!” - it has nothing to do with my Guru or her
other students. I was confused. I felt cheap. I couldn’t face her today.
Poor lady, I had showered her with so much of negativity and yet she
never complained. On the contrary, I
was complaining saying “she was being partial”.
“I am what I read” I had to digest this and for that I
needed to be alone for sometime. With a slight nod of head I signaled to her
saying “I am leaving” and left in a hurry.
She nodded her head in agreement.
She didn’t stop me. I thanked her for that. She was still talking to others as I closed the gate behind me…….
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