On comparison

…contd…..

She continued ‘how do we compare the mental abilities?’ 1. Why can’t you understand as he does? 2.why do I score less than her? 3. Atleast, I got better marks than her. I could’ve got only 45/100 but my happiness is because someone got only 40/100. Does it matter really? Would her scoring 40 make a difference in my rank or my 45 marks. I still am with 45 and my job etc is going to notice only my marks  not ‘how much above her….’ Yet today, to me it matters.

1.   

        When she can remember so well, why can’t i? How stupid. Our memory depends on our ability to concentrate and that on our interest. If we had question, how can I increase my memory like her then, we would’ve got the way and this answer. And it would be easy to understand why we lack interest and how to increase it. Thereafter results would automatically be far above our expectations. But, no. we don’t want to fix the problem. We want to talk about it, discuss about it, cry over it and suffer but to erase – no that is not even in our list of ‘to achieve ‘ or ‘to do list’.

Tell me how can we be more successful, content, confident, complete? Simply impossible. Not because, we are not capable of achieving it. No. But, because we work and put all our energies, thinking and feelings into ‘how to be more miserable and in pain than yesterday?’

Learn to ask ‘right questions’. Problem is not impossible to solve. But, it becomes the source of suffering because of wrong questions! Remember this!

…contd….

On comparison

….contd……

Are we comparing only at physical levels? No, certainly not. We compare –

1.The mental abilities

2.characteristics

3.success and rate of growth too!

4.financial and materialistic possessions

5.fame, name and honour

6.our relatives

7.culture, traditions, customs, cuisine, habits et what not

8.and why, even our ideologies and our Guru’s too

9.when we compare so much can we leave God behind? Yes, we even compare God! She started explaining once again. We were silent immediately. We wanted to look into our stupidities and idiosyncracies. By listening to her, we realized our mistakes and problem areas.

...contd......

on comparison

….contd…..

I didn’t touch my tea as I was lost in my thoughts looking at her. Others were talking among themselves. Some serious, others joking. But, she, she was all drinking. Yes, it seemed as if her whole being was drinking. She seemed to be sipping wine. So slow, so into it. She took a mouthful, relished it before gulping it. Her whole attention was in drinking, yes, not even in the tea. She had become drinking.

I lost track of time as I watched her. And I went through my morning walk – well, you know how? I was doing everything except walking. I was into future of others in their personal lives, in and out of umpteen emotions all in the name of walking.  No doubt, it was tiring.

I smiled. Even after seeing her drink tea, I was again comparing myself with her! How ingrained is this habit of mine in my routine. And that’s the reason, why I am not able to catch it as I live it!

Scores of time, she had told ‘when you walk, walk’ and I had so dutifully nodded my head as if I understood and here I was very clear with my understanding that I haven’t understood the meaning of her words till date! Yes, even those which I presumed, I did I actually didn’t!

I should read them all once again to get actual import of meaning out of them and to apply them…….

….contd……

On comparison

…contd…..

Yes, as I was walking all I did was compare, compare and compare. When I looked at someone fatter than me, I felt good. Whereas when I looked at youngsters, I became bitter and out of envy imagined and painted their future bleak with disease etc. (Please read previous posts again….). not only that I even attacked their character saying they were irresponsible and what not.  True! I didn’t know anything about them and their lifestyle. Yet, when I played those thoughts again in the mind, I was so surprised that from jogging I had gone to judge the whole generation as being irresponsible and what not. God! Just imagine so much of anger that stemmed from my envy. And I wanted to be happy? What a fool I was to think that coming to Park was central to my happiness. With this state of mind and thinking process or perspective, I would create hell wherever I went. And that hell that I am creating is for myself only. But, in the process all the people in my life and around me are also suffering that hell along with me. And to think that I presumed myself to be a ‘good person’! Wow!

Maybe that’s why my Guru jokingly told me ‘you are a very creative person!’ so many times. And just see, what I was creating!

Pure, unadulterated stinking living hell for myself! I was my own enemy. At this rate, my search for peace and love is never going to end! I never will experience them for sure! I shuddered at the thought!

I jumped out of fear as Anwar gave me a cup of tea. She had stopped talking. She loved her tea and wouldn’t talk till she finished. Today was no exception.

….contd…..

On comparison

Me, My Guru

…contd……..

As I entered the premises I was sad that I couldn’t have one-to-one session with her. But, now I realized how stupid I was to fear that. These many years with her and yet I haven’t learnt a thing.  Even when she was in a crowd, she was with me exclusively. How she could do it was something I couldn’t fathom till date. Well, that apart now that exclusivity itself has become a problem for me. Yes, I felt she was talking just to me and about me and my actions and feelings and that too in front of everyone.  No doubt, they seemed to enjoy her lecture. It was actually my faults that were being discussed.  So, they really were relishing it.

She had answered so many students’ questions unasked and how many times! She had called so many of them and said ‘what did you want to tell me?’. Yes, it happened to me so many times.

Priya told me that had our Guru coming in her dreams and answering her questions. Yet, here I was surprised and a bit shaken that she was referring to may morning thoughts.

…contd…..