13.10.2011
“Is it true that suffering is a ‘must’ in marriage?’’ I asked my Guru who was sitting looking at the setting sun in a pensive mood.
“Mmm...yes, if you are looking for happiness in marriage” replied my Guru smiling. I was taken aback. “You mean, I shouldn’t expect happiness from marriage?’ I asked surprised. “Yes, you can. But that would make suffering inevitable”. “Then why at all should I marry?” I mumbled “if not for happiness?” “Because, you want to experience life with ‘that’ person. Because, you know ‘together we can face anything’. You shouldn’t marry because it would make the ride easier. Of life I mean – but because it makes it worthwhile”.
I didn’t understand and that may be was obvious from the expression on my face and hence she continued “Fine. Let me put it this way. If I expect emotional, financial support from the spouse, I end up suffering when it is not met. If I want house kept in a certain fashion and not met, I suffer. All this type of suffering comes from my expectations. But, if I have clarity of thought, I would understand that the person himself is empty of strength and hence can’t be a support to me, then suffering is optional – in fact, avoidable”.
“Oh, so, if I have clarity of thought, then I’ll be happy in marriage” I said thoughtfully.
“No, I didn’t say that. I said if you have clarity of thought then ‘suffering is optional’ but not a compulsion. Suffering is avoidable with clarity of thought. Happiness doesn’t come into the picture at all! Happiness is a state of mind. You are happy because you want to be. Married or not doesn’t make a difference there. Expectations can never be met and hence expectations and marriage don’t go together. Whereas happiness is a state of mind and that is independent of your marital status. In short, if you are trying to say “I am happy because I am married you are heading towards suffering, but if you have clarity of thought, you would say “I am happy in spite of being married” concluded my Guru.
I still was as confused as when I asked the question but didn’t wish to get confused further, so left wanting to chew on that answer of hers…
Till I come back with understanding, you try to understand the answer…