On the Road Trip

....contd...

Day Ten: 4 pm

Today we were returning from our trip…Many incidents happened on day 7^th, 8^th and 9^th.  Lots of emotions were experienced by all…I noticed everything – yet I felt nothing.  I had been a mere witness. From that day till today, I was lost to myself.  I had been a living state of ecstasy all though.  I once had asked her “It seems next to impossible to experience Being-ness.  Is there a easier way?”

My guru smiled and said “Just let your ego take a back-seat and just sit in your Guru’s presence, you’ll experience ‘Blissfulness” and experience “Being-ness”.  She was so right….

I experienced that in this trip for the last 2-3 days.  I did nothing to experience that.  She did nothing much.  But, her mere presence gave me that experience I looked at others.  They were still in the world of good and bad, right and wrong.  They didn’t receive this grace.  I pitied them.  They lost out on a wonderful opportunity.  Rahul and Aziz had often talked about it hinting “Just be with her, you’ll have such wonderful experiences.”  Today, I know what they meant.

She was available to all in the trip, yet they didn’t receive her.

I was thankful to her for this experience.  I went and sat beside her and asked “Did you enjoy the travel?”

“No, I didn’t travel.  I thoroughly enjoyed this journey” she replied.

“But, what’s the difference?” I asked a bit surprised.

“A restless person and an empty mind and heart travel.  It’s like trying to run away from emptiness. One comes back exhausted and feels just the same miserable way one feels at the start of the travel. But, a person who is already happy doesn’t go searching for it elsewhere.  Whether one travels or not, he is either way happy.  This person when goes visiting places journeys within and becomes richer with experiences. Such a trip is called a journey.

Our bus came to a halt and it was time to go back to our emptiness and who experienced the travel was the question I need to ask and find from others. But that would be another day.  Now, all I needed was a hot bath and to feel the softness of my bed………

Concluded.....

On the Road Trip

….contd….

Day Six Night 10 pm

We had had our dinner and were all seated in the lawn of the hotel where we had checked in.  No one dare open the morning topic in my Guru’s presence.

“How can she loose her temper?” it was Venkat’s voice.

“There is no difference between her and us.  She gets angry just as we do” joined Pinky’s voice.  “She is afterall a normal person like you and me” added Nithya.  She seemed pleased with that understanding of hers.

Rahul couldn’t wait for others to spit their opinion.  He just started “before talking anything about her, just look at yourself…….” He was still explaining when I left that place.  Yes, I just got up and left…. I didn’t wait to hear any of his statements or theirs’.  I was walking alone on the road…the full moon lit the road and trees generously.  The whole place looked lit up.  The cool breeze added to the calmness that has engulfed me.  Smile on my lips and twinkle in my eyes and a joy that oozed out of my every pore.  I stood and looked at the moon.  The breeze on the road looked inviting.  I sat on it.

Today, something happened as I was looking at my Guru listening to the Swamiji in the Ashram.  I saw her listening to him with purity of intent that I can’t explain.  She seemed lost – lost to the commotion her anger had generated.  She had moved on.  She didn’t carry it.  She didn’t process it.  She wasn’t trying in anyway to do good the damage her anger had done to her image.  I knew it didn’t exist for her.  She herself was not trying to protect her image – why us?  The entire idea looked redundant to me now.

She had said many times “I am what I am.  What you think of me doesn’t change an ounce of what I am.  So it doesn’t matter to me as to what you think of me.”

Today, I saw her living it.  I experienced an odd mixture of feelings today.  A tear rolled down my cheek as a smile spread on my lips.  Let people do post-mortem of her words and actions.  And as long as they did it, they were no near knowing her. 

For once, I felt good when others didn’t understand her.  I felt I would think less of her if they did.  She wasn’t meant to be understood by all and sundry.  She was far more than that.  With that thought my analytical mind signed off and I gathered myself on that cold, chilly night – oblivious of my surroundings – how long I sat there, I knew not…..

....contd.....

…contd….

 Day Six :

“Don’t you have basic etiquette?” boomed my Guru’s voice through the silence of that church.  I was stunned – more than that shocked.  I had never seen her getting irritated and here she was looking very angry.  I was totally shaken up.

“This is a Divine place and you are spitting here?”  And you, why are you plucking flowers from that tree? Where is the need for you to be talking and laughing so loudly in this place?”  all through here voice was high-pitched and I could clearly see her being angry.  I was surprised.  “She and angry?” I didn’t expect this – ever and others were no better than me in receiving this shock.  All just froze with fright.

“Kneel down and ask for forgiveness” she demanded.  And all just meekly followed her orders.

She went into the bus and closed here eyes.  It was 11 am.  No one talked for the rest of the afternoon.

4 pm Same day

  

We reached an Ashram of a famous Guru.  Few of our friends were staunch devotees of that Swamiji and so all went in to have his darshan .  Luckily for us, he didn’t have any other visitors apart from us that time.  One of his devotees from our group asked him after being seated in his presence “Does a Guru ever get angry?”

It was straight attack on my Guru.  They were upset with her behaviour but didn’t have courage to say that personally and so were trying to insult her through this Swamiji.

“Unless he is fake – every Guru gets angry at some point of time for sure” he smiled as he replied.

“Then what is the difference between Guru and others if both loose their temper?” asked Priya visibly irritated at the answer.

….contd….

Me My Guru

…contd…

And to be able to ‘listen’ to that state – pure ecstasy.  That moment I experienced one-ness with the entire nature and I became nature.

But, since you didn’t experience all this it was boredom and suffering for you – Right?” she concluded with a smile that was both understanding and forgiving.  She left to make few calls and I was left to wonder at my stupidity….

Now, I understood – “Situations don’t create opportunities but we use situations as opportunities to experience that moment and that depends solely on our attitude.  And here, I lost an opportunity to experience all that she had talked about for so many years – only because I was not available to the moment.  Because I was judging the situation instead of living it.  Because, I wasn’t silent from within.  Because I was analyzing the whole situation whereas all that I had to do was “just Be”. 

I didn’t know whether to call myself stupid or cry for the moment lost or rejoice at this new understanding.  I stood confused and was brought back by the cry of some strange bird – my attention went on the bird and I lost track of time…..

…contd….

Day five:

In sanctuary, Forest officer had arranged various activities for our group. Rahul and Aziz had gone trekking. I didn’t think it was a good idea especially in the hot forest area going to tribal museum and such activities looked equally boring to me. So I joined my guru on the “Machaan”. It was on the tree among the branches a small wooden plank which was used usually by the hunter while hunting - what we were doing sitting on it I didn’t understand. We weren’t hunting then what’s the purpose of sitting on it the whole day? I felt so stupid within few minutes. Fear also crawled slowly into machaan and took grip of me. I started imagining all sorts of wild animals climbing it and I tried to divert my focus but I was finding it difficult. There was one forest guard with us and that was some solace for me. He was explaining hunting habits of various animals in the jungle. My guru was listening with so much of interest. What was so interesting in that irrelevant talk I didn’t understand. But, I was caught in a situation where there was only one choice and that was no choice.

We were to notice various animals coming to the water pool to quench their thirst. At last, at around 4pm my guru decided to go back to our guest room and I thanked her and my stars silently.

As we were sipping tea in our guest house. I asked her unable to contain myself any longer “wasn’t today wasted totally? May be you didn’t understand /think this actually to be so boring? Right?”

“No not at all!” she replied excitedly. On the contrary, it was beyond my expectations. I enjoyed it thoroughly. In that limited space on that tree top we hardly could move and we had to be so for more than 6 hours. I could practice “stillness” there. Yes, being still is a huge task. But can I do it when forced by the circumstances was the question that was bothering me since long. I could. I had to be so still and also so silent to be able to listen to the sounds of the forest - so varied and in so many ways. In that silence I went into meditative mode and I experienced “me-lessness” a state where I ceased to exist and then I became only a witness pure and sheer state of blissfullness.